The Enlightenment

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I’m confident that you’ve come across this common piece of advice. It is heard everywhere, from the business world, to relationships, to the social skills improvement world, and beyond.

It goes like this:

Stop caring what people think about you.

Stop following it!

It may sound seductive to simply ignore your boss, ignore strangers, or ignore what that girl in the bar thinks about you, but in reality this piece of advice is one of the most useless, self-defeating, and unproductive offerings that are still being exchanged out there.

Let’s break down why. Take another look at the verbiage:

Stop caring what other people think about you.

The way it’s given, it’s a command, telling you to snap your fingers and stop caring about other people’s opinions.

But the truth is that humans are not robots who can simply flick a switch to start or stop caring about what other people think about us. We evolved to function as social creatures who can only survive and thrive by cooperating with other humans.

As a result, it is normal and natural for us to care about what other people think of us. We have names for it: peer pressure, social pressure, etc. In fact, some have theorized that social conformity is what allowed us to even survive as a species, since it made it so that we could be accountable to one another and therefore allow for trust to develop.

So why, then, are you so desperate to go against your human nature? Is it even possible? Really, is it truly possible to stop caring what everyone thinks of us? I find it difficult to imagine myself ignoring my parents, friends, colleagues, and strangers indefinitely.

Is it even desirable? Sometimes friends give you useful advice or are the first to be upfront with you when you’re going astray. I want to know what my partner thinks of my actions so that we remain on the same page. My mentors and professors provide criticism and commentary on my work so that I can consider a new angle and correct mistakes.

Going to your date dressed in pajamas because I don’t care about wooing the other person, coming to work late because I don’t mind my boss yelling at me, or giving a middle finger to the airline pilot because I felt they did a bad job and I don’t fear the repercussions doesn’t sound like a recipe for a happy, productive, satisfying, or fulfilling life.

It sounds like a perfect formula to becoming a cold, self-obsessed, narcissistic, lonely, selfish ASSHOLE.

Walking around, throwing bombs everywhere you go, irritating everyone around you and being completely inconsiderate of others’ requests.

Let me put a point on it. Have you ever had a roommate or neighbor who wouldn’t clean the dishes or turn down the music even though you asked? In a way, they didn’t care about what you think. Does that make them good? Do you consider them made up and stable? Are they content with their lives?

Of course not. The fundamental rejection of our cooperative and collective social identity in favor of this silly, hyper-individualistic piece of advice will lead you nowhere.

Instead of this silly piece of advice, try this instead:

Stop expecting things to be perfect.

It’s not other people’s thoughts about you that cause you stress, it’s their judgment. Criticism or disapproval of your tastes, choices, decisions, etc. may bring internal insecurities to the front of your mind and erode confidence in your decisions. We can also assume hostility from the other person.

I think that we should stop expecting such interactions to be perfect. Sometimes, unfortunately, interactions are neutral or even unpleasant. Sometimes they are draining, boring, or painful.

But just because something is unpleasant doesn’t mean it’s not helpful. Sometimes frank conversations lead to tough, but ultimately helpful choices that are better than being in denial. Think of it this way: your muscles only grow after they hurt.

So rather than turning into a mindless drone that is separate from society, embrace your human nature and accept that human interaction is not pleasant by default. They may make you feel bad, but that is perfectly normal and ok, and I dare say an integral part of daily human life.